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past

at 2 years old, my parents left each other, my mother sick of his drunken abuse… she picked up her 2 girls got in the car and finally did what had to be done for her safety and left…

age 3; my father adored his first born child gave her everything she could have ever wanted in life, never second guessed her… his other daughter… the 3 year old, he could never truely love. he had an idea that her mother had an affair with another man and the youngest little girl was a love baby. after his now ex wife left, he started to see that the youngest looked more like her mother and never truely resembled her father, this angered him very much and made him resent the child and ever having to be around her.

age 4; the abusive nature of her fathers drunken rages started to become more prominent, bruises appearing without explination, the emotional break downs…

age 5; she began to understand that she would never really be apart of the family… before she turned 6 she met her “new mummy”

age 6; her new mummy hated her more then her father ever could have. there was a new form of tourture to begin in her life. every night she was forced to stay at her fathers, she was seen as “too old” to sleep with a night light, understandable but unreasonable.. the night terrors begin, in a new house new environment everything seemed so much more frightening, complete darkness shadows of unknown figures lurking on every wall and entering through every window… was there anywhere else to run and hide but her father and new mothers house, but to them? the little girl ran up the stairs everynight, to be told to wait at the door and knock, and if there was no answer she was to go back to her room… every night she ran there and every night she was told to go back to bed… 

age 7; your too old for nightmare, to old for a light, too old to be running to your parents for help… by god did she learn not to go to her father. she went there one night, the dream she had seen a man come in and kill everyone, she awoke screaming. her father was finally there for her “how dare you scream its the middle of the night * smack* you could have made the neighbours worried *smacks* what were you thinking *smack*” laying there on the floor of her room in the dark cold night, bloodied and bruised she had no where to go no where to run… she just sat there by herself as her father walked out of the room and locked her in her room… she never dared to make a sound only sit there crying.

age 8; the bruises were more apparent but she was to the age she knew better and could make up stories, it was believable enough that she was extremely clumsy, as all children are… she dreaded the weekends and having to see her father but knew that during the week, she had time at her mothers with her grandma… her best friend her loving puppy stayed close by her side night and day while at her mothers defending her from all evil… the dog.. brutally murdered, the nightmares more frequent, the fear more real.. it was time that people started to see the scared little girl. instead of a loving hug and guiding hand, a counsellor and therapist were there to replace what she needed… too much had happened she was promised what was said would never leave the room - she finally told about her fathers behaviour. 

age 9; her father finally taken away, only her mother was there now, her sister hated her forever, because her father had only ever been loving to her and now he was gone. the year full of police investigations and court trials, no one ever stopped to give her love. school, home, court… what other child would want to be her friend she was scared and didnt know how to socialise… why should other kids make an effort if she didnt know how… 

age 10; the stalking began, her father wanting revenge, and sick of this little girl ruining his life… he followed her every afternoon in his big car while this little girl walked home… alone and scared she didnt know what to do… was this ever going to end…

age 14; the restraining orders put in place, the court trials all over again every memory relived… finally it was all over, right? the stalking never really stopped she carried a knife in her bag… finally her school saw something was wrong when they found her one afternoon hiding out in the bathroom with a knife… they expelled her, trying to attack another student so they thought… they didnt even ask her they simply made her leave not a question in hell why she was scared enough to not want to leave, to be sitting there knife in one hand valium in the other.

age 15; finally the not so little girl knew what had to be done… she took the knife and with one great slice tried to take her life. took her mums drugs and with a big gulg took 30 pills that night…

3 days later woke up.. unfortunately someone had found her, maybe it would have ended her misery… 6 weeks rehab, 2 years therapy… still not a single friend…

age 16; new school new start.. the stalking finally left no more… at least for a while… made afew friends… there was finally people right? her new friend had a boyfriend, she even managed to talk to this guy, even though she thought every male like her father would be evil, she was wrong, finally a nice guy… untill her best friends boyfriend had sex with her… afew nice words, thats all it took this scum bag found a way to manipulate her… goodbye friends… she learned to fight, although all she really knew how to do was take a beating… through all this one person saw her, and wanted to help, only one person…

age 17; life finally settled a little, a new boy, one true friend… the only one who understood, he was pure he was good and he loved her.

age 18; restraining order for her father still there, the stalking happens the sister, still hates her, the mother still doesnt no what to do.. but through all this there is still the one boy… my one my only

maybe

this isn’t just a story, nor for those of the weak of heart… this is my life this is me, isnt this what im meant to be? maybe one day ill meet your standards, maybe one day ill live up to your dreams but for now im just me.

right now, in this moment… i feel like once again im in the pit of despair looking up, dreaming to see that light shinning through, coming in to lift me up. someone wrote ” i don’t know why but I haven’t felt myself lately.. I’ve felt empty.” sometimes i wish people knew, i wish they knew the real me, i wish they knew what it is really like. when all i feel is emptiness, all i can show is a smile and all i hide are my tears. its depressing how my life has changed, from the sweet and innocent child; to the too early exposed teen that overdosed and almost died - to now… the unknown.

sometimes i fear ive grown up to fast, ive found love; i have a friend - maybe two if im lucky - and i want to be gone… but yet i want life to be over with. you think its confusing to read - just trying living with it.

im the girl whos past will always haunt her, the bad decision, and the frightening memories… sometimes i wish they were a bad dream, but thats all a bad memory is right? A night terror that everyone can see… your secret shame on the favourite gossip section, the must hear news on everyones judging lips?

maybe i am over reacting, maybe im reading to much into this, or maybe just maybe the real mistake was them bringing me back instead of letting me die all those years ago…

slap back to reality

today, i came home… and got slapped back into reality - literally. after finally having afew days away to keep my mind off my life, it all became apparent that everything is just too much for me to handle anymore.

i came home a spring in my stride, a smile on my face knowing that my best friend would be there for me - even when they live on the other side of the state - no matter what. i arrived to be picked up by my family who promptly reminded me of how my real life was, what it was really like. “You’re a cunt, You’re a screw up *slaps accross the face* You really thought it would all go away when you left?”. how do you respond when you know your whole family is no longer there for you, they want you gone, they simply dont care anymore. could you handle living under the same roof with a mother and sister knowing life would always be that little bit worse, that it would never be the same as before everything.

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